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  • Mom (49F) moving in with me (26F) and husband (27M). Need advice helping her adjust and be healthier. : relationships

     Deborah updated 2 years, 10 months ago 1 Member · 1 Post
  • Deborah

    January 17, 2020 at 8:28 am

    Sorry if the title is confusing.

    So my mother and I have a very close relationship, one that even I notice is slightly unhealthy. She was abused by my father in every way possible and had to get a PFA on him and hide from him in a domestic abuse shelter. We lived in a really small town so everyone knew about it. She finally divorced him when I was 23 years old. By this time, I had moved out of the small town and into a big city with my then boyfriend (now husband). The divorce was super sloppy and my mom ended up filing for bankruptcy because my dad had never let her work or save money- all their money was in his account. She gave up the house, the cars, everything so long as he would just sign the divorce papers.

    After this, my mother entered a string of short term relationships with really awful guys. Usually guys who drink and would treat her badly. She used to have an eating disorder and drink a lot when I was growing up, and I saw her relapsing into her old behaviors. I offered as much support as I could.

    Then she met her most recent boyfriend. He was older and had a lot of money from a work accident. At first, he was mad for my mom and would offer to pay for everything. She told me she never accepted, but who really knows. They were together and seemed fine until last year and my mom would tell me that he would ignore her to go drinking and was never around. She also said he’d get drunk, swear at her and threaten to kick her out. Enough was enough so I told her last year she could move in with me and my husband (we bought a house and have two spare rooms) and stay til she got a job and had money saved. She agreed and moved down.

    She was drinking everyday she was here, all day. She was struggling to find a job and was calling and texting her boyfriend daily. He started visiting and taking her on trips, but she promised she was only seeing him as a friend. Things were okay and she got hired at a nursing facility.

    Then she no call no showed, woke me up at midnight with a mental breakdown, and moved out the next day to be with her boyfriend again.

    The pattern is now repeating itself. Her boyfriend told her “I sold the house, get out.” And she doesn’t know what to do. This time, she has a job she can transfer from the small town to the big city. I even told her she needs to go to therapy if she wants to stay here. The only issue is her feeling left behind when I try to live my life as usual with her living here.

    I love my mother but I don’t want her invited to everything I do. I get the feeling that some of her drinking and depression was caused by being alone in the house, which led her to going back to her boyfriend.

    Long story short: can anyone give me advice on how to help my mom better adjust? I want her to have her own life and see how much better it is to get out of a small town who knows all her business, but I think she’s afraid to let go of her past.

    TL;dr my mom is moving in and I need to help her adjust and form healthy relationships. Besides therapy, what else can I do???

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