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Forums Forums Business [Non-BPD] Don’t forget about you. My experience dating someone with BPD. : BorderlinePDisorder

  • [Non-BPD] Don’t forget about you. My experience dating someone with BPD. : BorderlinePDisorder

     Arianna updated 2 years, 7 months ago 1 Member · 1 Post
  • Arianna

    February 11, 2020 at 9:55 pm

    TLDR; I just want other Non-BPD people to recognize that no matter how much you love them you have to remember to also love yourself and care for yourself. Your partner when not in a state of devaluation or a flood zone will agree(if not then the BPD is the least of your worries).

    This is kind of a rant, but I wanted to share it. I hope this is not triggering for anyone and please go easy on me.

    BPD sucks. I mean it. I am fortunately not afflicted, but I feel so hard for those that are in all different cases. I can only imagine what most of you have to go through on a daily basis and I would wish it all away if I could. About a year ago I fell for this wonderful enigma of a woman. It was hard to explain their personality other than, cluttered, but I dug it. She was spontaneous, Unpredictable, an amazing and passionate lover, driven and all totally into me. We moved quickly, but I really enjoyed it. In a year we vacationed together 2 times, met each other’s families and started planning a future together. She told me she had BPD early on and I started to research both out of curiosity and for the preservation of our love. I read several books on the subject and began to prepare myself for the long haul.

    Unfortunately, it started getting really rocky about 9 months in. We began to fight more and more. New triggers appeared. I started experiencing devaluation nearly daily and not just small bits. Big stuff. Jealousy started showing its ugly face. Both from her and from me. Her of my career and business, which started to take off this year in life-changing ways. Me of how social and likable she was especially to men. Our fights were sometimes healthy, and sometimes not. Often times I was confused about what the issues were. I would leave her place and wonder what just happened or what I did wrong. So, we decided to regress a bit and spend less time together. We basically were in each other’s arms 6 hours a day and agreed it was unhealthy. I promise that I did all I could to ensure that I was not leaving and I assure you this was a mutual decision. I expressed; This is not so I can be with others. This is temporary. We needed it and she agreed. I did my best to be supportive while we were apart. I came and saw her or she came and saw me every weekend and normally a day a week as well. We more or less went back to dating. But it didn’t work. When we were together it was amazing. But, when we would part ways she became psychosomatic to the point where she became physically ill when I had to leave her town to go back home and work. Following my departure I would receive extream anger or sadness from her, 5-hour phone calls keeping me awake until 3-4 am when I had worked at 9 am and at times talk of suicide. It was exhausting. For both of us and I started to forget about me.

    You can call me narcissistic but we all have to acknowledge that romantic relationships in our modern western societies are a voluntary luxury. Some of us have it easier, some have it harder, however, we seek them because we want to. We have needs that we want to be met and are willing to meet another person’s needs in return. This is how I see it: we all have a destination of sorts, oftentimes we call it a goal. The paths to these goals are plenty. Some roads are easy and well-traveled, Some are bumpy but more fun, and some might be deadends if you don’t have the equipment to travel them. Bringing another person onboard your wagon can provide you with the tools to reach that destination on a different path. Hell, it could even change that destination. Before this relationship, I wanted a nuclear family. Not anymore. Normal is now boring. But my destination is still there, still here within me. Know your destination and know your limits. I started to feel like the bumps that I encountered were too hard on my emotional shock absorbers and I needed to change course or risk further damage to my self-esteem. I began to derail my own life in an effort to improve another, which was bad for me and in turn bad for her. I forgot to take care of my own shit.

    I found myself being less and less capable of handling the outbursts. At first a little, then a lot. Looking back now I do regret not setting firmer boundaries, which is VERY important in all relationships, but especially in one where one or both people suffer from BPD. I am sure there were things I could have done better and I wish that I could have helped more, but this was a battle that I didn’t have the armor for. I wanted to lead, but I knew that wasn’t the way. You can only encourage. To your SO, you are the cheerleader, not the coach. Never forget that. It became hard to reassure her when I myself wasn’t sure anymore. Helping her get out of a “flood” as we often referred to it, started to trigger me. It became almost impossible. Even today as I write this I am unsure if I made the right decision in breaking it off.

    So here is my advice to those with a partner who is BPD: You have to be strong. You need to have a solid will and know yourself very well. If you don’t you will only hurt yourself and them. You cannot fault someone with BPD for their actions. It is not their fault and trust me when I say they do not want this affliction either. There is a firey passion in people with BPD. They love hard, but they feel hard too. Seek therapy for yourself as well. This is very important as you might need help in understanding things and some times your partner might not be able to explain in a manner you can understand. Read Stop Walking on eggshells 2 times at least. And finally, Be the best you can every day.

    It pains me to say that we have not spoken in a week and it feels like a year. This has been the most painful breakup of my life as I still love her so much. I know that I want to be with her, but I fear I am not strong enough and will only let her and myself down. I feel like a coward, but I also feel like I made the right choice. I want the best for her and I want the best for me even if it means we cannot be together.

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